"It has been a beautiful fight. Still is."

Ah, good old Charles Bukowski. Let’s talk about mental health. Raise your hand if you’ve ever struggled with the weight of life. I have often wondered what it feels like to not have an overwhelming weight of the world lingering. I have been jealous of those who seem to be carefree and lightly float through the everyday ugliness and destruction and loss and tragedy that occurs in this world. Wow…pretty emo sounding huh? It is and it isn’t a pessimistic viewpoint. Some argue that being “aware” of the ugliness of life is a way to defend and look out for what could come our way. Being aware of what’s happening in our world is a way to be an activist, and make changes. Others may say that if we focus on that heaviness and darkness it will consume us and shroud our lives with a lack of hope.

I am on the quiet side of this feeling. I do not feel that screaming “AGH JESUS THE INHUMANITY!!! THE STUPIDITY OF HUMAN KIND WILL DESTROY US ALL! THERE’S NO WINNING!!!” is effective. I do not feel that fear mongering and pandering for sympathy from the world is productive. But I do feel how it effects me, and my thought processes and way of life.

I find that it is very easy to hate myself. Heavy, no? It becomes a joke. We all hate ourselves right? No. I am certain many don’t. And I am certain many love themselves quite a lot, to the point where every day obstacles or larger ones at that are manageable. I would love to get to that point. Do you feel that way? How does that work? Most who know me see me as “sunshine” and a blissful person. And I am. But I would love to open the dialogue of darkness. I love learning of other’s struggles. Have you been mistreated? By family or friends? Have you been abused? Have you failed yourself at some point? Have you hurt another so bad you lose sleep still, years later? Have you thought of suicide? These are the questions that truly ignite UNDERSTANDING of one another, and truth.

Through these questions and desire to know those around me, I have realized that there is no right and wrong way to feel. I am in no way better or worse than anyone else because of the way I carry myself through life.

There is an infinite amount of ways to walk through the fire. Yours is not the same as mine. You may bring water and protection, he may dance through it, she may crawl through it and let the coals burn every inch of her skin. What I know at this point in my life is that we are walking through it. And if we don’t speak our truths we won’t be walking together.

I do not know why I can’t be lighthearted and free.

But learning to accept and explore my heavy heart is all I can do. The heart that feels and loves SO strongly that it can move mountains and send crashing waves across the ocean. And create art that makes a person think for a minute, feel for a minute. I hope you have a passion in your life that helps you understand who you are. May you fall and rise over, and over, and over again.